Fate to Marriage

The year Dad passed away was the year I finally decided.  It was a week before my 43rd birthday. I just broke off with a loving senior guy who preferred a very young lady from abroad instead of this old me in front of him who took care of him for the past one year.  He only said that he couldn't tolerate my daughter, hence it's a huge "NO" for him.  He then regretted but it was too late.

I've decided then.  I decided that I would not chase after men for marriage.  I decided not to marry, at all.  Full determination, as how I always had in almost every 10 years.  Little did I realize that a full determination would come with a huge "wham" of fate that intended to laugh back at me.  A fate of a total contrast of what I wished for.

People said be careful what you wish for, as if it will come true.  For me, it sarcastically got back at me when I wish not to.  I wished to end my quest for love, and here he came... bouncing like a little child with a glee on his face, with his blooming heart in his hands.

This guy.  He tried courting me a year before, but the moment I asked him out for a drink, he chickened out.  This time, 10 days after my 43rd birthday, I dared him to meet up, after a series of ignoring him, in which he didn't quite understand my ghosting reasons.  There's no way out for him, I guess.  He's desperate for love, or perhaps desperate to come out from his poor life.

He's younger than me by 7 years.  The age I avoided due to past bad experience.  Since my mind has made up that I was no longer looking for love but merely friendship, I played along and went for it.  What could go wrong, right?

We met for the first time, and hang out at an eatery from 4PM to 6AM the next day.  It was a good vibe, or at least that's what I thought.  We went home happy and with blooming heart, already missing each other.  It was mere happiness.

After 3 days, we met up again and spent time together.  On this second day, he proposed me to be his girlfriend.  I stared back at him and puzzled.  Although my mind was blank, my tongue said, "OK", and my heart said, "Why not? It's not that I have anyone else at the moment."

After some days, we met for the third time.  I asked him to accompany me around town, and we spent good time together.  On this third meeting, he proposed me a hand in marriage.  Again, I thought, "This guy is really something", and again I said OK, "What could go wrong?"

You see, for 20 years I've been searching for love, and all I got were betrayal and abandonment.  I even conceived with a child and gave birth to one, yet a happy marriage was just a dream.  I lost a lot of money invested in love and commitment, only to be left behind with nothing in return.  False dream, lost hope, betrayed love.  So when this charming lad came along, crossing my path, especially at the time I determined to end all feelings towards men and hope for one, I had to give it a try.

Ten days after our first meet, I told Dad about him.  Dad was happy to hear about my new beau, despite the sadness he was fighting in his heart about life and all.  Little did I realize that it was his final 2 weeks in this world.  Dad had positive feeling towards this new relationship I had.  He was confident, or at least that was what I felt from him.  If he had any worry, worry of things could go wrong to me like many times before, he didn't tell it to my face.

After Dad passed away, my bonding with this young beau became more intimate.  As it got comfy, it also got turbulent.  His true color showed, and I had to fight with his temper with all my might, my anxiety, my hopeless depression, and the list goes on.  The ultimatum given my Mom, now that she's "in charge" as the head of family, was to wait for my daughter's high school graduation.  Only then, I could proceed with marriage, if I was still eager to have.

Then the pandemic came, and we started to live far apart.  Once in a while, when the chance was there, we met up.  Else, it was all virtually contacted.  Even when it was virtual communication, he would lose his temper whenever he could.  Being far was a challenge for me to pacify him or calm his temper down.  No matter how many times we fought, both of us were too proud to break up.  Perhaps both of us were narcissist?  I don't know.

Four years we had to wait, until we finally got married.  Four years I had to endure, just because I believed he was the one.  Four years I remained loyal, holding on to Dad's final green light for this relationship.  The moment we were married, the whole world changed.

It was not the kind of marriage I was hoping for.  It was not the kind of tolerance I thought I could face.  It was a marriage that brought out more anxiety in me, starting with depression and low self-esteem, up to a point of suicidal.  "I'd rather be killed by his hand", that's what I would say most of the time in my head.

So, it was fated that I got married after I decided not to.  Be careful what you wish for and what you determined not to do.  God plays trick on me, I always said that.  Yet, I still believe that fate brings me to a destination that I have to go.  Fate brings me to a journey I have to endure, so I would be worthy to earn the reward at the end of it.  Fate to marriage is one of them.

-Shazz@40s