Posts

I Turned 50

I turned 50, 24 hours ago. Phew! Time sure flies. I was so occupied that I didn't get the chance to remind myself to disconnect all birthday reminders from all social media accounts I own! My usual practice of switching off all connections to the world, and yes including my phone, was all forgotten. Well, basically I didn't manage to do all those because I had to remain online from the day before to the day after my 50th birthday, due to attending meetings and such. In turn, my niece took it as an improvement on my side, as if indicating that I have moved on, perhaps. Hmm... Quite a list I had, since the last 6 months, to achieve before I turned 50. Out of 10, I could only managed to achieve a few, or should I say "almost achieved" a few. One, published 3 books under my enterprise - I published 4. Two, reduced weight to 55kg - I managed to reduce 5 kg only, from 69kg. Three, able to jog 2km non-stop - I managed to walk or brisk walk non-stop in intense heat during fas...
Post a Comment
Read more

Ending a Chapter at 9am 9-9

Since it is still fresh in my mind, allow me to share this first. This morning, both of us, accompanied by my partner's parents, appeared in the court of Syariah for our divorce case.  We had finally decided and determined to end it all.  It was not surprising that I felt numb and emotionless.  It's not that I don't love him anymore, but something is blocking my emotions lately, and it got worse today. Nevertheless, it came to my attention since the past month that my partner's eyesight is getting worse and worse, to a point that he can't even see a few feet in front of him.  I never asked about his vision and health anymore, ever since he isolated himself from me with utter silence.  What's the point? If he chose to be silent, then silence is how I treat him.  And that's what I did for the past 6 months. The marriage I've always dreamt of only lasted 27 months.  It ramped through 4 birthdays and 2 anniversaries without celebrations.  It even ramp...
Post a Comment
Read more

Fate to Marriage

The year Dad passed away was the year I finally decided.  It was a week before my 43rd birthday. I just broke off with a loving senior guy who preferred a very young lady from abroad instead of this old me in front of him who took care of him for the past one year.  He only said that he couldn't tolerate my daughter, hence it's a huge "NO" for him.  He then regretted but it was too late. I've decided then.  I decided that I would not chase after men for marriage.  I decided not to marry, at all.  Full determination, as how I always had in almost every 10 years.  Little did I realize that a full determination would come with a huge "wham" of fate that intended to laugh back at me.  A fate of a total contrast of what I wished for. People said be careful what you wish for, as if it will come true.  For me, it sarcastically got back at me when I wish not to.  I wished to end my quest for love, and here he came... bouncing like a little child...
Post a Comment
Read more

Perceived Status

 2018. The year I turned 42 years old.  Every time I went home to my parents, I poured my dissatisfaction towards my workplace to my beloved Dad.  Of all the family members, I felt that he's the only person who understood me well when it came to workplace politics and peer rivalry. To him, I mentioned on the unfair treatment I've been receiving since I stepped down from the managerial position in the organization.  I didn't get any chance to be promoted since, but I had so much to contribute. Not to blame anyone but myself, when I felt very demotivated, exhausted, and isolated when I was in the managerial position, and I made a drastic decision of stepping down.  Of course, my "enemies" were happy from behind the scene.  Only one person advised me not to, but he was already too late. My mentor in the company told me, "If I were you, I won't step down.  No matter how much you don't like the post, just persevere and complete the term.  Remember what...
Post a Comment
Read more

The Belief Shift

I turned 40 in 2016, after I achieved most of the wishes I had in my bucket list 20 years before.  I had my PhD and got promoted to Senior Lecturer at age 38.  I raised a daughter on my own for almost a decade.  I owned a house and sufficient income.  I guess I've lived well.  Except for one - my belief. This may sound disturbing, but I guess this is part of the mid-life journey that we have to go through.  The matter of the mind, the heart, and the action we make.  In the aspect of the mind, I've covered enough grounds with my qualification, and life has thrown me into an experience of becoming a matured woman. In terms of the heart, I've loved and lived for love for 2 decades and yet I was left alone.  But thanks to my beautiful mini-Me, my life at heart is fulfilled.  However, it's not yet over - there's a matter of belief in religion. Every time I was about to turn to a "big zero", I would be having some change in cognitive, heart, and be...
Post a Comment
Read more