Ending a Chapter at 9am 9-9

Since it is still fresh in my mind, allow me to share this first.

This morning, both of us, accompanied by my partner's parents, appeared in the court of Syariah for our divorce case.  We had finally decided and determined to end it all.  It was not surprising that I felt numb and emotionless.  It's not that I don't love him anymore, but something is blocking my emotions lately, and it got worse today.

Nevertheless, it came to my attention since the past month that my partner's eyesight is getting worse and worse, to a point that he can't even see a few feet in front of him.  I never asked about his vision and health anymore, ever since he isolated himself from me with utter silence.  What's the point? If he chose to be silent, then silence is how I treat him.  And that's what I did for the past 6 months.

The marriage I've always dreamt of only lasted 27 months.  It ramped through 4 birthdays and 2 anniversaries without celebrations.  It even ramped through 2 Eid Fitr and 2 Eid Adha without being together!  It survived long distance relationship without heart-to-heart communication for more than 12 months.  It carved out the energy and drained out the emotion since beginning.  And it never failed to include some form of fights or miscommunication every time we met.

To say that I had high expectations on this marriage, I actually didn't.  But I knew since beginning that I could never be ready for a life with another person.  It was already a huge experience living with my daughter, bringing her up, and training her to adapt to my style of living that is basically "lazy at home and all about work work and work".  But to see me as a homemaker? It's like trying to fit a light bulb into a pipe.

I knew the limitations of my partner since our first year of relationship.  I thought I would be ready to take care of him as his eyesight got worse too, but I was wrong.  I couldn't be next to him all the time when I had to work fulltime and on weekends, far from him.  Nevertheless, his temper was not helping, too.  The only thing his father and I wished for is for him to become more humble, rather than boosted by ego.  There's nothing to be proud of, being a person with disability.  I know, because I'm one!

When the judge questioned him during the hearing, he finally admitted that he couldn't afford a living as one of his reasons.  At last, the truth!  Because the one lie I can never live with is about being employed when he's not.  When the judge asked him when we last lived together, my mind said April 2024, but he said earlier than that, which is March 2024.  It was somewhat right.  The timing he mentioned was before our huge bloody fight in April 2024.  Not bad for details.  And when the judge asked when we last had... you know what..., he answered somewhat correctly, a year ago.  Yes, it was in early September 2024.

Then, it was my turn.  Where do I live - I live in my hometown up north with my Mom. What about the address in the record - it's my house, which I stayed when I have meetings in the city.  What's my job - I've quit my fulltime job in March 2025 due to emotional stress I've been experiencing since last year, and not having any fixed job for now.  How's my menstrual cycle - honestly, undergoing pre-menopause, but it's still there. (In our religion, we count the cycle to complete and confirm the divorce.  In other words, the lady needs to "mourn" for 3 menstrual cycles before being fully divorced, to ensure that there's no 'seed' from the ex-husband before the next marriage, if there's any.  Else, there will be an issue of child custody.)

Interesting experience, going through this divorce hearing.  Although it is a taboo, an experience nobody would want to go through, but I think it's a good experience.  At least you know how the court handles the case and why certain procedures are necessary.  Oh, I just turned this into a research observation?!  Ermm...

So, at age 49, I'm back to square one - being a single mother.  I've had two years of marriage experience in my 40s, to a man 7 years junior, and who is also visually impaired.

Oddly, I already felt that I was at a juncture when we decided to wed in 2023 - if I got married, it would be all work and family; if I didn't get married, I would be free travelling for work and do whatever projects I wanted.  It ended up as: marriage life of work and family in the first 11 months; followed by free-and-easy travelling for work in the next 16 months!  The turning point?  Thanks to the bloody fight in April 2024.

Gosh! What an adventure!

Now that I'm divorced, I've fulfilled my daughter's wish, my Mom's wish, and my friends' and family's wish.  What about my wish and my Dad's wish?  It's OK, Dad.  At least I've tried.

In my final words to my now ex-husband, I said thank you for being the first man who went all out wanted to marry me since the beginning of our friendship.  He's the first husband I was married to (in my 40's) and he's the last too (because I'm now 49, at the end of my 40's).  I gave up having any more kid, now that I'm almost barren, and old.  I need to slowly face the music and enter my 5th decade gracefully.

It's end of the chapter of "being married".

-Shazz@40s

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

The Belief Shift

I turned 40 in 2016, after I achieved most of the wishes I had in my bucket list 20 years before.  I had my PhD and got promoted to Senior Lecturer at age 38.  I raised a daughter on my own for almost a decade.  I owned a house and sufficient income.  I guess I've lived well.  Except for one - my belief. This may sound disturbing, but I guess this is part of the mid-life journey that we have to go through.  The matter of the mind, the heart, and the action we make.  In the aspect of the mind, I've covered enough grounds with my qualification, and life has thrown me into an experience of becoming a matured woman. In terms of the heart, I've loved and lived for love for 2 decades and yet I was left alone.  But thanks to my beautiful mini-Me, my life at heart is fulfilled.  However, it's not yet over - there's a matter of belief in religion. Every time I was about to turn to a "big zero", I would be having some change in cognitive, heart, and be...
Read more

Perceived Status

 2018. The year I turned 42 years old.  Every time I went home to my parents, I poured my dissatisfaction towards my workplace to my beloved Dad.  Of all the family members, I felt that he's the only person who understood me well when it came to workplace politics and peer rivalry. To him, I mentioned on the unfair treatment I've been receiving since I stepped down from the managerial position in the organization.  I didn't get any chance to be promoted since, but I had so much to contribute. Not to blame anyone but myself, when I felt very demotivated, exhausted, and isolated when I was in the managerial position, and I made a drastic decision of stepping down.  Of course, my "enemies" were happy from behind the scene.  Only one person advised me not to, but he was already too late. My mentor in the company told me, "If I were you, I won't step down.  No matter how much you don't like the post, just persevere and complete the term.  Remember what...
Read more

Fate to Marriage

The year Dad passed away was the year I finally decided.  It was a week before my 43rd birthday. I just broke off with a loving senior guy who preferred a very young lady from abroad instead of this old me in front of him who took care of him for the past one year.  He only said that he couldn't tolerate my daughter, hence it's a huge "NO" for him.  He then regretted but it was too late. I've decided then.  I decided that I would not chase after men for marriage.  I decided not to marry, at all.  Full determination, as how I always had in almost every 10 years.  Little did I realize that a full determination would come with a huge "wham" of fate that intended to laugh back at me.  A fate of a total contrast of what I wished for. People said be careful what you wish for, as if it will come true.  For me, it sarcastically got back at me when I wish not to.  I wished to end my quest for love, and here he came... bouncing like a little child...
Read more